Day 37: How to Piss Me Off, Part Three

Did everyone read Part One and Part Two?  Good.  Then here we go!

5) Revealing Day-to-Night Ensembles

What does this even mean?  I thought a day-to-night ensemble was something that you could wear to the office and then also out on the town.  I know moms who go to work during the day, and I know moms that go out at night, but I find it's a rare breed of mom that works all day and then also goes out and parties at night.  Because, you know, THEY HAVE CHILDREN.* It gets in the way of the whole day-to-night lifestyle.

However, since apparently the author knows tons of moms who are busting their butts in the corporate world by day, and hitting the dance floor at night, let's see what they have to say about the appropriate dress...

"Moms, lead by example! If you don’t want your daughter wearing ultra-revealing, tight tops paired with teeny tiny bottoms, then you can’t either. Even if you look and feel amazing, which we’re sure you do, it’s best to restrict these sexy tops to the bedroom. This goes for your dance moves, too … "

Damn, if I had ever been exposed to gamma rays I would probably be turning green and smashing things right about now.

Listen, let's clear some stuff up.  First, my daughter gets to wear what she wants.  I tend to suggest she wear warm clothing in the winter, and cooler clothing in the summer, but these are merely suggestions.  The only time I put my foot down is when she wants to wear her bathing suit in the snow.  Other than that, I apply a very simple metric:  HER BODY, HER RULES.

So, I don't really feel the need to set an example by NOT wearing things that make me happy, so that she can ALSO learn not to wear things that make her happy.  THAT IS NOT THE KIND OF THING I WANT TO TEACH HER AT ALL!  In fact, I am kind of hoping to teach her the EXACT OPPOSITE!

Second--do not EVEN START on my dance moves.  I boogie how I want to boogie, and if you don't like it you can kiss my sweet ass.

*Clarification: It is possible that you are the rare breed of mother that can work all day and party all night.  If you are, I am not passing judgement.  Simply saying that you are few and far between. 


4) Impractical Pumps

"Steer clear of “stripper heels,” thigh-high boots and knee-length gladiator sandals.  This footwear is definitely  more “sleazy” than “supermom.” Moms need to be fashionable and practical, am I right?"

I don't think I can BEGIN to describe how very much you are not right.

Moms don't NEED to be anything, other than loving parents.  They don't have to be fashionable, because fashion does not in any way impact their quality as a parent.  They also don't have to be practical!  It can help, at times, but sometimes the dreamy, idealistic, adventuresome moms teach their kids the best lessons.  So, no, you are not right.  You are 100% wrong.

Furthermore--on the subject of shoes--are you saying that this ensemble is too much?

Have I mentioned that I cosplay?*
No?
Well, I do.
And, for the record, those shoes are awesome.
So, you know... Bite me.


*No, I haven't joined a burlesque troop.  If you don't read Penny Arcade, you might not get the reference.  Allow me to enlighten you.









3) Tees that Talk

"Freedom of expression is great — until it’s obnoxiously splayed across your graphic tee. Save bragging about how you “Woke Up Like This” or your self-proclaimed status as a “MILF” for girls’ nights."

I.  Cannot.  Even.

FIRST OF ALL...  if this three part series has not made it abundantly clear by now, I DID WAKE UP LIKE THIS.  Certainly I have not gone to the lengths that the author of this article seems to think necessary in order to change my appearance.

Second... I hope all mom's are MILF's to someone.  And if they are, then I don't see why they can't be happy about that fact.  I mean, unless you're one of those tight ass people who think sexual desirability is WRONG, and that mothers should adhere to some misguided ideal of chastity.

Third, and possibly most important, if I did not have shirts that said things, how would you know who was in charge?

No, what?

 You tell 'em, shirt.

2) Giant Purses 

"Oversized, slouchy, embellished hobo bags that fit a week’s worth of clothes and beauty products might be perfect for the busy life of a mom. But the second-rate fabrics, distracting patterns, floor-length fringes and potato-sack-sizes make these bags impossible to incorporate into a look without coming off as lazy and disheveled."

*Raises hand*

Can someone please find one of these for me?  Cause, all I'm saying is, my current purse isn't big enough.

 Need help.  Send bigger purse.

Seriously, has the author even thought about what they're saying?  And, at this point, is there anyone here who doubts how completely willing I am to look both lazy AND disheveled?


1) Strapless Numbers and Plunging Necklines. 

"It’s true that if you’ve got it, flaunt it. But when it comes to cleavage, no one wants to feel like their mom is about to have a Janet Jackson moment."

No legs, no belly, no butt, and NOW NO BOOBS EITHER?  WTF, internet author?  WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?

Well... you know what I say to to that?

Heck off,                                                   Heck off,

HECK OFF!!

So, to sum up, what you're saying is:
Don't be sexy.
Don't have fun.
Don't be whimsical.
Don't stand out.
Don't do anything that expresses who you are, or how you feel.  Be a drone, an automaton, a Stepford Wife.  Once you bring life into this world you shouldn't go on being you.  Instead you should be something between June Cleaver and a Nun, because otherwise you will bring shame to yourself and your family.

Well, you know what I think?

(Come on, everyone, say it with me.)

I THINK YOU CAN BITE ME.