I have been carrying too much tension recently. The world feels like a powder keg, and I am terrified of what will happen to the people I love when it explodes. That tension has locked my body tight and left me with a physical form that just isn't working properly. My neck and shoulders are strained and tense, my head aches more days than not, and my stomach is constantly on the verge of turning itself upside down.
I'm not the only one who is feeling it. Some of my friends are turning this tension inward. They talk about self-harm as though it would be preferable to continuing to deal with the world at large. Some of my friends are turning it outward. They talk about violence as though it is the just and right solution to our nation's ills.
I can't say I've never done that myself. As one of my friends said to me the other day, I've been in a very "stabby" mood recently.
This isn't an easy thing to deal with. It's not like we all just need to look on the bright side. We can't fix it with self care, or a judicious application of ice cream. We can't fix it by remembering to see the big picture.
This is the big picture.
But last night, at rehearsal, we just happened to have an extra 8 minutes in the schedule, and our choreographer asked our MD if there was anything he wanted to rehearse. And he said yeah, let's run You Will Be Found.
My emotions are so close to the skin right now, it's not really surprising that the song hit me so hard in that moment. But maybe, even if I'd been locking everything down, it would have broken through anyway. Because, y'all...
Even when the dark comes crashing through
When you need a friend to carry you
When you're broken on the ground
You will be found.
I will be honest. I am having a hard time carrying myself right now. But somehow, carrying others seems like a lighter burden. Or, if I can't carry them, just holding their hand, so they know they're not alone in the dark. Sometimes I think we forget what a powerful impact it can have just know that you are not alone.
I think I'm gonna just wrap this up, now, and leave you with the song.
Love to you all.