Day 35: How to Piss Me Off, Part One

I was reading political articles online, and happened to see a recommended link go by at the bottom of the screen.  It was entitled 15 Looks Moms Definitely Can't Pull Off Anymore.*

*side note.  Why is that a recommended article when I'm reading about politics?

I knew better.  Of COURSE I knew better.  But I couldn't help it.  I clicked the link anyway.  Then my vision clouded over and flames shot up the side of my face.  As I scrolled through the count down I found myself arguing OUT LOUD with the author of the piece.  Because, apparently, if you make me mad enough I assume you can hear me psychically.  Once I stopped being so cranky I realized that just saying it out loud wasn't going to be enough.  I needed to share it with the universe.  So, friends and neighbors, please enjoy the following rage rant. 
 

15) Clubbing Dresses

According to the article, clubbing dresses (aka body con dresses) are inappropriate because (a) I am simply TOO OLD for such things, and (b) "while skin-tight dresses hug your favorable curves, they also accentuate your not-so-favorable ones."

EXCUSE ME?  So, basically what you're saying is that past a certain age OR DRESS SIZE women should no longer be proud of their bodies?  That their post-baby belly is somehow shameful, or inappropriate?  That their wider hips just aren't svelte enough to be worth displaying to the world?  Because, after all, we all know that the only reason a woman should ever wear ANYTHING is to make an impact on someone else, right?

Do me a favor, oh judgemental one, and BITE ME. 

A CLUBBING DRESS?  Oh how scandalous!!!  How COULD I DO SUCH A THING?

14) High-Waisted Jeans

Ahem.

Whether they’re pants or shorts, high-waisted styles are unflattering and make you fall victim to the derogatory “mom jeans” trend. It’s like your adding fuel to the mom jean fire if you try to pull off this look.

Okay, first of all, other people's fashion hang ups are not my responsibility.  If I wanted to wear a spangle, see-through, glitter dress and put my hair up in spikes, I get to do that, and I don't feel like I need to worry about "adding fuel" to the "OMG, how could Cher wear that?" fire.  Her body, her choices.  My body, my choices.  It's that simple.

Second... all high-waisted items are not created equally.  Which you would know, if you weren't a self-righteous prig who clearly is living under a rock where it's still okay to tell women how to dress.

Okay, I don't actually own any myself, but at least three of these ladies are moms, and behold!  Their high-waisted shorts have not brought about the apocalypse!

13) Crop Tops

This magical article went on to share with me that "the fact is, short tops are best left for the teens and your midsection is best kept out of the public eye."   

Oh, rly?  

*furiously cuts bottoms off all her shirts. 

Oh, the mom skin!!!  IT BURNS US, MY PRECIOUS!!!

Okay, truth?  I feel a little self-conscious about this one.  But hell.  That's why I'm doing this blog, right?  Because it's stupid to feel self conscious.  So, bite me, anti-crop top folks.

12) Micro Mini-Skirts

Here's the nugget of wisdom on this one...

"Skimpy skirts look exponentially trashy with age, so unless your legs age like Tina Turner’s, trash the skirt before it trashes you. The higher the hemline, the quicker you should toss it."

I love how they assume I don't want to look trashy.  Also, how they toss in that extra, body shaming jab about "legs aging like Tina Turner's".  As though one must have the platonic ideal of a leg before it is acceptable to show it in public.

 Lemme get this straight.

There's something about this that bothers you?

Is it, perchance, the lack of fucks I give?

YOU!  LEG DEVIANT!  GET YOUR KNOBBY KNEES SAFELY HIDDEN, WHERE THEY CANNOT OFFEND MINE EYES!

11) Hot Pants

Strutting through the grocery store with kids in tow and letting your glutes hang out doesn’t reflect a confident, composed woman with a style to envy…it’s just inappropriate. 

Lemme get this straight... Are you saying that when you're out buying toilet paper and Cheerios with your squalling offspring, your major focus is on how the other people in the store are processing your outfit?  Like, you're checking the price difference on the three brands of milk, but secretly, in the back of your mind you're thinking "gee, I hope the woman at the deli counter thinks I'm confident and composed, and have a style to envy."

BECAUSE I'M NOT.

And, even if I was, are you saying my ass isn't display worthy?  That somehow the process of gestating two small humans has made it somehow LESS THAN it once was?  Because I just don't believe that.

That's right.  I did it.  I posted an ass shot.  

Ain't nothing wrong with my ass. 

Tune in tomorrow, for items 10-6 on the list, and more shots of me in SCANDALOUS clothing that no mom should ever wear.