Day 36: How to Piss Me Off, Part Two

Have we all read Part One?  Are we all aware of why Jessica is rage blogging?  If not, go read this, it'll have you caught up in no time.

NOW ONWARD, TO SARTORIAL SCANDAL!!!

10) Tiaras

This is the pearl of wisdom our esteemed writer is laying on us, regarding sparkly headgear:

"You’re preschool-aged daughter makes the cutest pretend princess in her pretty pink tiara. You, on the other hand, look like a washed-up beauty queen wannabe when you go outside wearing a glittery tiara — even if the diamonds are real."

All I want to do when I read this is find the author and punch them in the face.  I mean, seriously, f-you, you pretentious, tight-assed critic.  First of all, when I wear a tiara I am not a Princess.  I am a Queen.  

 Queen Jessica, ruler of her own damn self.

I'm not prancing around, waiting for my prince to come, pouting about my step-mother and making nice with all the forest animal.  I rule my own kingdom, and my ability to wear a tiara if I so please is just ONE of the manifestations of the supreme power that I wield over myself.

9) Mix and Match Socks

"Did your 4-year-old dress you? Because this is a fashion faux pas that only a child would approve of. Settling for a pair of mismatched socks is just lazy. And don’t even try to convince yourself it will go unnoticed; you’ll regret it, trust us!"

AHAHAHAAHAH!!!!!  YOU HAVE GOT TO BE JOKING!!!  HAVE WE MET?

First of all... I am totally lazy.  It's fine with me if my sock choices reflect that.  In fact, it's MORE than fine.  I take abject delight in the fact that my socks reflect who I am on the inside.  Someone who is both lazy AND whimsical.

 Not just mismatched, but covered in ponies, too.

I will NEVER regret it.  Trust me.

8) Destroyed Denim

Now, once upon a time, when I was regularly in a shop, I called these "work pants."  They weren't items of fashion so much as imminent practicality. 

 I'm sorry to say that I can't find a good picture of my most favorite work pants, but you're just going to have to take my word for it.  The pants in this picture were ripped, covered in paint, and had a large dark splotch on the butt from some unknown substance.

I frequently wore them in public.

I don't do as much work with table saws anymore, but I DO still own work pants.  I think they definitely qualify for at least the first half of this statement:

"If it looks like it was run over by a bus or bedazzled by a tween, it doesn’t belong in your closet. Pants that are too distressed, too sparkly, too embellished or too low are not mommy material."

I'm sorry.  What, pray tell, is "Mommy Material"?  Is this some kind of Buffalo Bill situation?  It puts the cold cream on it's skin or else it gets publicly shamed again?

Well, I think you know by now what my response is to that.

BITE ME

7) Neon Hair Accessories

"Once again, did you really let your prepubescent daughter style your look? Scrunchies, bows, butterfly clips, and those little leave-in feathers are all hair-addition-don’ts for moms. When in doubt, classic, clean hairdos always trump embellished tresses."

Once again... WHY DO YOU HATE ALL JOY?  Yes, I would let Charlotte or Elliot style my hair.  But also, at times, I want to do something fun!  Something not expected!  I mean, damn, neon accessories really isn't that big a deal.  I have had neon HAIR.

Purple, Pink, and Blue.  Cause I know how to party.

6) Overalls

Disclaimer: I don't actually like overalls.  I have a particularly long torso, and they never fit me very comfortably.  That being said, I defend everyone's right to wear them if they so choose.

This cowboy couture is making a comeback, but it’s close to impossible to pull off for a busy Mom because they almost always make you look frumpy. 

FRUMPY?  FRUMPY?

Frumpy is one of those words that just needs to go the way of the dodo.  It pisses me off EVERY time.  Because all I hear is "you look like a woman who isn't going out of her way to be visually pleasing to others."  And I want to shake whoever said it and say YES!!!  YES!!! THAT'S THE POINT!!!!

 Overalls are humanizing.  They make us all equally adorbs.

 So rock your overalls, and don't let the haters get you down.

Our final installment will hit tomorrow, covering items 5-1, or, as I like to refer to them, the ones that REALLY grind my gears.  See you then!