Day 69: How to Talk to a Woman

Guys, I knew it was a mistake...

 

I've been seeing that damn "How to Talk to a Woman Wearing Headphones" thing going by all day, and I thought to myself "Don't do it, Jessica. You're only going to regret it. Just let this one go by. You don't need to read it. You don't. You really, really, don't..."

 

Guess what?

 

I read it.

 

Then my head exploded. 

Actual representation of my exploding head.

 

 

ARE YOU JOKING? WHO ACTUALLY BELIEVES THIS CRAP?

I... I...

I CANNOT CONTAIN MYSELF!

Let's just go ahead and dive right into some of the more gut-wrenchingly awful things, shall we?

 

 

Pardon?  I'm sorry, that is the cause and effect you recognize?  That women aren't open to being approached because they aren't single (and therefore looking for a partner)?  Not that a woman might not be open to being approached because she's tired, or busy, or concerned with her OWN DAMN LIFE that has ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with YOU?!  NOT THAT?

Oh, well, my bad.  When I ignored that guy who tried to talk to me the other day, it must have been because of MY INVISIBLE BOYFRIEND, GEORGE.  George gets real jealous when I talk to other guys.  Otherwise I would have TOTALLY wanted that dude to hit on me. 

Totally.

 

I have some corrections for this list.

1. Stand anywhere from 20 to 30 meters away, far enough that she will most likely not notice your asinine attempt to demand her attention.

2. Should you happen to not be able to get that far away, make sure your face looks EXTREMELY apologetic.

3. Keep your stupid hands to yourself, because she is not a fucking taxicab and does not need to be flagged down.

4.  Please don't ever act like a mime in ANY situation, unless you happen to actually BE a mime, in which case you should be busking somewhere and not ambushing random women in the street.

 

 

Uh... I don't actually believe this is true.  I think this is an urban myth among men who get rejected, to ease their feelings, or to give them permission to come at her again, harder.  But, just to hedge my bets, lemme go ahead and give a kind word to all the awesome guys out there:

If this does happen to be the case, do not let anyone do this to you, ever.  You deserve more than a woman who makes you jump through hoops.  "Hard to get" is a supremely destructive social behavior.  Almost as bad as "don't take no for an answer."  If a woman is playing hard to get then walk away and find someone a little less into playing stupid power games.  You'll thank me in the long run.

There is not a font big enough for my rage over this one.

Lemme be real straightforward here.  Do I know you?  Have we had a conversation about boundaries, and where mine lie?  Have I given you explicit, verbal permission to control any kind of interaction with me?

No?

THEN STEP THE FUCK OFF.

 

 

 

Now, if anyone needs me I'll be seething in my home.  Anyone who wants to join can come seethe with me.  I think I've got enough anger to keep it going a good long while.