Day 62: Another Day, Another Heartbreak

The kids and I ran a few errands today.  As is typical, we chatted as we went about our business.  We talked about some jokes Charlotte likes, how much our friend Rose enjoys talking to Elliot, and the state of Chimbasa's health.  That last one was pretty rough, because on the way into the vet Elliot said, very earnestly, that he hoped Chimbasa would be "better soon."  This led to a conversation about how all things have a natural lifespan, how our pets don't live as long as us, what I personally think happens when we die, and the idea that it's possible we'll be reunited with everyone we've ever loved, which means maybe Chimbasa will finally get to be with Mishka again.  Elliot, with tears in his eyes, told me that he bet Chimbasa missed Mishka a lot.  That he bet our cranky little dog was, in fact, very lonely.

Dude and Dog.

All in all, it got rather weepy.

Then, in a transition I didn't understand at the time, Elliot started talking about robots.  Specifically why people don't want to built robots that have an AI.

Now, I was confused, but I gamely tried to follow him.  Skipping over the fact that many people want very much to create an AI, I went ahead and explained that people were worried about what an independent intelligence might decide to do unencumbered by human morality.  This upset him, a lot, and he tried very honestly to assure me that it would be okay.  That it was critical.  That he really, really, really wanted to build robots with an AI, and it would be fine.

 Boy loves his computers.

"Okay."  I said.  "As toys?"  Because he has been on a toy building kick recently.

"Well, not really."  He said.  "But for kids."  Pause.  "You know, like, maybe sometimes there are kids that don't have any friends.  Or maybe they had friends, but then their friends decided they didn't like them anymore.  Maybe they're kids like me, that do stuff so that other kids don't like them, and they're really lonely..."

And that was when I felt my heart breaking.

So I knelt down on the floor and held my son, while he sobbed and told me how important it was for him to make robots that were intelligent, so that kids like him could have a friend. 

I waited until he was done, and then I pulled him back so that he could see my face.

"Bud, I want to tell you some things."

He wiped his eyes and listened carefully, and I said a brief prayer to the universe that I wasn't about to fuck this up.

"First, tell me, did you have a friend who decided they didn't like you anymore?"

"Yes."  His lower lip quivered.  "At the Hajjar.  Cameron--"  He had to stop and take a breath.  "Cameron just decided he didn't like me.  And I didn't do anything.  I was just nice to him."

"Okay."  I sighed.  "Well, if someone doesn't want to be friends with you because of who you are, then you don't need them in your life.  You only want to be friends with the people who like you.  That goes for you, too, Charlotte."  I turned to make sure she was listening, and caught her rapt stare.  "If someone doesn't like you, then they're not worth it.  You're awesome, and other awesome people are going to like you."

Both kids nodded. 

"Second, did you know that I didn't really have many friends who were kids, when I was a kid?"

Elliot started crying again, upset on my behalf.  "You didn't?"

"Nope, but it was okay, you know why?" 

"Why?"

"Because I was friends with adults.  I had a lot of adults who were my friends and loved me, and you know what?  So do you."  I started listing them.  By the third name Elliot was calmer, and Charlotte was grinning.  I kept going until I ran out.  "I know it's not the same as having friends your own age.  There are things adults don't want to do, or things that are more fun with kids.  But don't forget, you do have friends."

All the tension seemed to go out of him in a rush.  "Okay, Mommy."

"Okay."

"I still wanna make robots, though."

"That's totally fine, bud.  I bet you'll make great robots."

Later, at the library, he came up and put his hand in mine.

"Hey, Mommy?"

"What's up, dude?"

"You know how we were talking about making friends earlier?"

"Yeah?"

"Well, maybe it's easier to make friends with people you live with."

I smiled at him.  "You mean like Charlotte?  You two are pretty good friends most of the time."

"Yeah, sure, Charlotte.  But I was thinking about you."

Oh, my little dude.  I am not sure I am emotionally prepared for this new version of you.  But I do love you, so very much.