Day 93: Online Dating Suggestions; or How to Get Women to Go Out With You Instead of Running Screaming Into the Night

I've been giving online dating a whirl for about two months, now, and I have to say, it's been an eye opening experience for me.  I had no idea that the world was so full of men willing to make complete asses of themselves in the search for a woman who could tolerate their bullshit.  I mean, seriously, if I'd known what a treasure trove of amazing stories this would yield, I'd have started dating years ago.  I have my doubts that it's going to magically provide me with a worthwhile companion, but at the very least it's super amusing.

However, with all this entertainment coming my way, I can't help but feel sorry for these poor guys, who are clearly trying A LOT harder than I am.  So I thought I'd write them a little guide to help them out, and while I can't guarantee it will work with every woman, I think I feel safe in promising that it will improve your chances immensely.

First:  Know Your Audience

Read her profile.

 My actual, real profile text on OKC.  

Not really too much to ask, that someone read this, is it?

I cannot stress this enough.  I know, I know, she looks SUPER HOT in that profile pic.  Really, just amazingly hot.  So hot, you are thinking to yourself "I need to ask her to a ballgame RIGHT NOW"--

But hold on there, sparky.  That's precisely what I'm talking about.  What if this woman, a mere paragraph into her profile section, says "I cannot stand any form of sports ball.  No, I will not go to a game with you.  No, I won't even watch it on TV.  And, if our relationship goes anywhere, I won't let you watch it on the TV while I'm in the house."

First of all, offering to take her to a game will blow it right off the bat.  But, second, and probably more importantly: DO YOU REALLY WANT A WOMAN YOU HAVE TO GIVE UP SPORTS FOR?

*don't say yes*

The truth is, you don't want a woman that isn't compatible with you.  It doesn't matter how hot she is, if you don't have anything to talk about.  So read her profile!  Even if it's long!  It's worth it, I promise.  Plus, it will give you things to discuss with her when you message her.  Which leads me to...

Second: Message Her Like She's a Person, Not A Blow Up Doll.

Here are some things you should NOT say in your first message:

"Call me Daddy."

"Who's a dirty little slut?"

"I'd like to motorboat those boobs."

"DTF?"

Look, I'm not saying she won't call you Daddy, she isn't a dirty little slut, she wouldn't like to be motorboated, or that she's not DTF.  She might be all those things and more!  But (barring a few very specific people with some very specific kinks) you'll generally get farther with a woman if you do not START with these things.  Most of us (aforementioned kinks excepted) enjoy being spoken to like we're people.  In fact, we'd like to be acknowledged as people BEFORE you zoom in on the erogenous zones. 

 Also, you know, you might get a response like this.

So, reading her profile comes in handy!  Does she have an almost pathological love of Thai food?  Does she want to run away and join the circus?  Has she founded her own cult religion?  Find something she said that you think is interesting, and then ask her about it.  I swear, if she's actually DTF you'll find out eventually.

Third:  Message Her Like She's a Person, Not A Goddess.

I like a good compliment, as almost every human being does.  But there is such a thing as going TOO FAR.  If you tell her that she's gorgeous, and brilliant, and witty, and amazing, you had really better know more than three paragraphs about her to back that up.  Otherwise (particularly if she actually IS brilliant and witty) you are likely to make her suspicious that you're just flattering her.  Which she is not likely to appreciate.  I cannot speak definitively for anyone else, but insincere compliments are way worse, in my book, than no compliments at all. 

 Also, not this.  Just no.  Let's make a rule that any "compliment" that comes 

with a put down of a group she belongs to is a no-go.

If you want to compliment her, pick a thing.  *A* thing.  Preferably a non-physical thing?  This one I'm less sure on.  Some women really, really want to hear that they're beautiful, more than they want to hear that they're witty.  I actually like hearing both, but for an opening gambit, I say when in doubt, start with something that isn't about how she looks.  In fact, the prettier she is, the more she likely hears that way too often.  So, seriously, compliment her on something else. 

Fourth: Complete Sentences Are Your Friends.

Again, profiles are helpful here.  You'll know how casual you can be with your vocabulary and grammar if you bother to see how precise and accurate she is with hers.  But, in general, there's nothing wrong with appearing literate.  So proof what you're writing.  Maybe you're a terrible writer, but still, you can catch some little stuff.  No reason to leave out whole words, or anything.  And I'm not trying to be a punctuation snob, but periods REALLY help in order to make sure you're communicating discrete thoughts.  Just put in a little effort, is all I'm saying. 

 FWIW, I didn't say a thing about this guys grammar.  I sincerely think he didn't know better.
But, for the rest of you, let's all remember that this is not how we English.

Fifth: If She Does Answer You, Pretend You're Talking to a Guy

I mean, don't ask her if she's ever gotten a weird rash on her balls, and what she did about it if she has.  (That's what men talk about, right?)  But, for the purposes of discussion, try to treat her like you would another man.  This means:

*Don't explain things to her unless she's specifically said that she doesn't understand, and then gone on to express an interest in what you're talking about.

*If she asks a question, answer it.  Don't explain that it would be too boring, or too technical for her to understand.

*Don't try to steer everything around to sex.  Feel free to discuss other things, like badminton or ballroom dancing.

*If you disagree with her, be prepared for her to disagree with you right back.  Under no circumstances should you assume that she will accept your word as law.

*I know this is going to make some of you uncomfortable, but keep in mind that it's entirely possible that she's smarter than you.  It is far safer to assume that she is, and be wrong about that, then to assume that she isn't, and be wrong about THAT.

Sixth: Taking it Offline

Okay, so, you found a woman with some basic overlap, and you've managed to converse and you seem to like each other.  Great.  Now, it's time to meet in person.  Maybe you suggest this, maybe she does.  It doesn't really matter.  What DOES matter is the following:

*You need to suggest meeting in a public place.  DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES ask her to come to your place or, worse, ask if you can come to hers.  That is creepy. 

*Do not make jokes about raping her, jokes about kidnapping her, or any references to Buffalo Bill whatsoever.  That is CREEPY.

*Do not make any assumptions about getting into her pants during this meeting.  FOR SURE do not make any out loud assumptions about it.  If you can't help getting your hopes up, at the very least you can keep quiet about it.  Talking about how you assume you'll be headed back to her place after dinner is CREEPY.

*Do not suggest she meet you in a parking lot and blow you in your car.  This may or may not be creepy, depending on who you talk to, but it is TACKY for a first date.

Okay, this advice was geared for actually getting the woman to go out with you.  Stay tuned for Day 94: Offline Dating Suggestions, for what to do once she does.