Monday, September 19, 2016

Day 74: The Fine Line; Part Three

In The Fine Line I'm going to talk about sexual assault and abuse.  If you've been a victim, and you cannot tolerate the discussion, I completely understand and I send you on your way with a hug.  No hard feelings.






I talked about abuse in a relationship first (in Part Two) because, as horrible as it is, and as hard to spot as it can be sometimes, it's still easier to identify than many, many cases of sexual assault.  Sure, we all know Brock Tuner is a rapist--

Except of course that we don't, do we?  Not all of us.  There are people who are still uncertain he was a rapist.  Or, if they agree he was a rapist, they don't agree that he should serve a full and complete sentence for that crime.  Or, if they agree he should serve his full sentence, they don't agree that six months is a laughable amount of jail time...


My point is, sexual assault is still viewed differently depending on who you're speaking with.  Abuse we all seem to know is wrong.  Sexual assault, though, has wormed its way so deeply into our culture that it is standard to blame the victim.  If it's a male victim, well, all men are sex crazy and he must have wanted it, am I right?  And if it's a women, well, for god's sake, why was she out alone at that hour?
Why did the victim drink so much?
Why did they agree to go back to the apartment?

And this is for outright rape, the most clear cut and obvious sexual assault charge.  When we start talking about the other assaults that are so abundant in our rape culture, people get even less willing to agree that it's definitely 100% wrong.


Let's play a game.  I'm going to make a list of all the things that count as sexual assault (when they're non-consensual.  Oddly enough, we don't have a ton of words other than "rape" that include lack of consent as part of the basic definition).  See if I can find any that you're not comfortable with having on the list.

Rape: including vaginal, anal, oral, and digital sex acts
Flashing: all kinds, both in person and online.  We're talking dick pics here, people.
Voyeurism: if you're watching them and they don't know about it
Groping: touching a person's body without their permission, not limited to their ass or boobs or crotch.
Kissing: cheek, mouth, forehead... doesn't matter
Hugging: that's right, folks.  Hugs also require consent.
ALSO*:
talking about Raping
talking about Sex
talking about Flashing
talking about Voyeurism
talking about Groping
talking about Kissing
talking about Hugging

*when I say talking about I am referring specifically to saying you would do this to a person.  Not that you can't discuss hugging in a general way in public.



Now, raise your hand if you're a little uncomfortable with some of those restrictions.

If you didn't raise your hand, you've either thought about this a lot, or you're just refusing to take orders from a blog post.  I made the damn list, and I'm uncomfortable with it.  I mean, I spent years hugging people all the time without consent.  According to this list, I am a many-times sexual aggressor.  And maybe I didn't mean to make anyone uncomfortable, and maybe I didn't even mean it in a sexual way, but that doesn't matter in the slightest.

What's important is how my hugs were received.  And without asking--without knowing they were welcome--I was crossing the line.  

I'm telling you this because I want you to know that I fully understand the import of what I'm saying when I say the following:

If you aren't sure how they'll take it, don't say it, and for damn sure don't do it.

That girl you sent explicit texts, and she didn't really respond, but you kept going just in case she was into it?
Assault.
That guy you kissed because he was hot and all guys like to be kissed?
Assault.
That woman you casually ground your crotch into on the subway?
Assault.
That guy you dry humped while he was almost passed out on the couch?
Assault.

Maybe you were lucky.  Maybe you took a chance and it turned out they really were into it and by sheer luck you didn't end up making someone really uncomfortable.  Here's a better question:  would you know?  I mean, the silence surrounding sexual assault is legendary.  Sometimes victims don't ever confront those that assault them, let alone report it to the police.



Forgive me for sailing into gendered territory but... if you present female, you probably already know what I'm talking about.  If you present male, just go find a few of your women friends, and ask if they're willing to answer the following questions for you:

Have you ever found a hug going on longer than you'd like, or someone taking the opportunity to kiss you hello, and you felt you had no choice but to endure it because to do otherwise would make a scene?

Has anyone ever said anything sexual to you that made you uncomfortable, but you didn't know what to do, so you laughed it off?

Has anyone ever taken your silence as an excuse to keep going?

Most women will answer yes to at least one if not all three of these.  Many men will, too.  Don't assume that just because no one has ever said anything that you must be in the clear.

The thing is, we have the most amazingly articulate communication system in our species.  This is an easy problem to fix.

Just ask.

Only proceed if you get an enthusiastic yes.

It's that simple.


But--and I hate to harp on this, but I have to--it only works if we all admit how frequently we come too close to the line.  How maybe we've even crossed it a few times.  How it's not okay to cross it, and that means we've got to be a bit more adult in our approach to getting with some hottie.  How this culture of permission keeps perpetrating because we're all buying into it, and that simply isn't a thing we can continue.

Okay.  Damn, this is so long.  But I've got one more thing.  A Word on Victims.
    

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