Day 73: The Fine Line; Part Two

In The Fine Line I'm going to talk about sexual assault and abuse.  If you've been a victim, and you cannot tolerate the discussion, I completely understand and I send you on your way with a hug.  No hard feelings.

In Part One I suggested that most of us had probably crossed the line into abuse at one time or another.  If we're all perpetrators, it's also true that we're all victims.

I imagine a bunch of people will balk at this idea, none of us really wants to be a victim.  But let me ask you:

Have you ever been hit by a partner?
Has someone you're in an intimate relationship with ever been violent or threatened violence to someone/something else as a way of bringing you in line?
Has your partner ever called you a slut, a prude, a whore, a tease, frigid, a bitch or anything else that was meant to shame or hurt you? (excluding consensual dirty talk)
Have you ever been afraid to tell your partner the truth, or to act naturally around them, because of how they might behave?  (this can include worrying that they'll hurt you, hurt themselves, or verbally attack you)
Has your partner ever interfered with who you are allowed to see/spend time with/be friends with?
Has your partner ever shut down on you, and refused to engage with you, because you would not behave how they wanted you to behave?

Abuse isn't always straightforward, and it isn't always easy to spot.  That guy you know, who wants to leave his girlfriend but is afraid she'll spiral out of control?  He's being abused.  That girl you know, who fell out of touch with all her friends once she started seeing her boyfriend, because he doesn't like her to go out without him?  She's being abused.  That couple you know, where one of them likes to talk about how hopeless and useless the other one is?  They have an abusive relationship.

If these things--any of these things--have ever happened to you, then you have been the victim of abuse.  And if you're pretty sure your partner is a decent person, and doesn't realize what they're doing, you need to sit down with them and have a talk about it.  If you're too scared to talk to them, that's a big warning flag right there, and you need to think long and hard about the relationship you're in.

If these things are happening to a friend, sit down and talk to them, and encourage them to talk to their partner.  Don't become a bully in your own right--if your friend is being abused in a non-overt way, it may take them a while to see it, and they certainly don't need you being mean to them while they're coming to terms with it--but let them know that you don't think they're being treated in a loving and respectful way.

If you think you might be doing some of these things, sit down and talk to your partner about it.  Don't assume that, just because they never said anything, everything is okay.  Maybe you both come away with an understanding that they just love it when you get all jealous and demand that they stop seeing their friends, but you won't know unless you ask.  And if you ask, and it turns out they don't love it, be prepared to change.

Part Three is here.