It all began this morning, with an innocent enough notification from OKC.
Someone liked me!
Now, I'm pretty much past being excited by this particular notification. In fact, upon seeing it I generally sigh, and slowly thumb open the app, with the hope that this time--THIS TIME--it will be a man who has a decent grasp of the basic methods of communication and nothing on his profile ranting about how "women just won't ever give a nice guy a chance!"
The hope is small, but it's there, and that's why I keep opening the notifications.
Someday I'll learn.
ANYWAY...
This time there was a dude who had actually messaged me! Always a good sign. He had silver hair and a nice face and skimming his profile I saw that he had some general indicators of brains and all that was going well until I saw THIS:
Okay, setting aside the fact that he feels the need to brag about brushing his teeth... He lied about his age on the form, to bypass people's filters? And then he had the OVER INFLATED BALLSACK to say that he was genuine?
I did a quick check on the profile (as I had not actually paid attention to the age) to discover:
Our boy here listed himself as 35.
THIRTY-FIVE.
(Oh, and lest you think worse of him than I intend, that wasn't his first picture. His first picture was actually his face, but as I am trying to be respectful of his anonymity I figured that was wrong to use since it would just be a big red circle so instead I used his SECOND picture which was this. I mean, I'm gonna be ragging on him a lot, here, and I don't feel like I need to go out of my way to misrepresent the man by implying that he was shirtless in his FIRST profile pic.)
Anyway, back to the story.
I figure you all know me well enough to know that, given the option between asking someone why they're being an asshole, or letting it slide, I'm always gonna ask why they're being an asshole. So I went ahead and messaged him back, with the following:
Yeah, I know, there's a typo. Sue me.
All things considered I thought that was a fairly gentle confrontation. I mean, I didn't call him names or anything. I just pointed out that he was misrepresenting himself in order to circumvent a woman's right to outline her preferences and that that was some SUPER SHADY shit not to mention SHALLOW AS HELL.
But without the caps.
I legit thought he'd block me and I'd never hear from him again, because normally this is the way of men online, but no... No my precious loves, this one was one of those guys who wants you to understand that the shady shit he has done is, in fact, not shady at all and he is actually a REALLY, REALLY GREAT GUY.
And so came the response:
Right, so... I guess he's trying to say that I was wrong? Because ACTUALLY he's just saying that a woman's age criteria is arbitrary. How silly of me. Clearly he wasn't saying he knew better than her what she wanted. He's just saying she's WRONG to want it.
HOW THE FUCK HAVE I BEEN SO MISLED?
And he didn't lie! He lied and then admitted it. Totally different thing.
I also love his "deep substance" comment. Honey child, I know plenty of PhD's AND pianists, and while some of them are deep their depth doesn't STEM from that.
So, I haven't messaged him back. I know a lost soul when I see one. But as this rumbled around in my brain I found I had so much more to say. Not TO him, you understand, but rather ABOUT him.
Him, and all his ilk.
First, let's address the violation of boundaries. And yeah, we're gonna call it that. Because I don't give a shit what you actually think about someone's criteria for dating. You don't like their criteria? You're welcome to not like them. You're welcome to find them shallow, or elitist, or racist, or agist--WHATEVER--if their criteria puts them in that category. But that doesn't mean you get to lie to them to get them to give you a chance.
LYING IN ORDER TO GET A CHANCE WITH SOMEONE WHO WOULDN'T HAVE OTHERWISE GIVEN YOU A CHANCE IS STILL FUCKED UP, NO MATTER HOW FUCKED UP THEIR OWN PREJUDICES ARE.
Like, is this really a conversation we still have to have? Further more, if they really ARE that shallow/elitist/racist/agist... WHY DO YOU WANT A CHANCE WITH THEM, ANYWAY?
I MEAN FOR GOD'S SAKE, I CAN'T HIT THE CAPS LOCK ANY HARDER SO PEOPLE NEED TO STOP BEING SO FUCKING DUMB.
*pant*pant*pant*
Okay. So, people have boundaries, mkay? And as long as their boundaries are really boundaries (as defined by choices they make for themselves and about themselves and their own person) and not an attempt to control others (as defined by trying to say your own choices should impact what someone else is allowed to do when it has nothing to do with you) then leave them the fuck alone! Let them die in their insular little bubble or whatever.
My favorite part of all this, of course, is that I can only imagine what Mr Deep Substance would say if a woman claimed to be "fit" and then he found out she was actually "overweight". And she said she hadn't lied, she just didn't want to be judged on something arbitrary...
Just... just...
Okay. I'm calm.
I'M CALM, OKAY?
Anyway, now let's talk about the reality of age brackets.
One of the humorous things about this guy is that he almost didn't make it inside MY age filter. Not because he's too old, but because he lists himself as too young. I don't search for guys more than five years younger than me. I probably wouldn't refuse to date one if I met him some other way, but I'll be real, 32 would be *pushing* it for me. It is hard enough to find a man of maturity and self-possession, I don't need to make it harder by searching among the infants.
Now, I'm not saying they don't exist, but I do not know any women who refuse to date men their own age. I know very few women who won't at least consider 5-10 years up. But I know a lot of women, like me, who do not want to date babies.
So, this guy (who, remember, I'm placing at 48) has probably lied his way out of dating a lot of women his own age. He's probably lied his way out of dating women five years his junior. He's probably even lied his way out of dating at least a handful of women a decade younger than him. All for the chance that some 20 something will look at his profile and decide to take a chance on a guy more than twice her age, AFTER HE HAS LIED TO HER.
But it's fine. I bet they'll have so much in common, won't they? I mean, he's got that amazing hygiene going for him...
Listen, friends, if someone pulls bullshit on you, remember that it's bullshit. And if you say "hey, this is bullshit" and they say "oh, you know, I never thought of it that way" then it's fine. They just made a mistake, and we all make mistakes.
But if they try to explain to you that, in fact, that stinking pile of excrement is not bullshit? Consider writing a blog post about what a shallow asshole they are. Then share it with me. And we can march forward together in single solidarity.
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