#113: Baby Birding

Nature is full of many wonders, and many mysteries--

ooooo... so preeeeetty...

Aaaaaaand also many super gross things.  Like, wicked gross.  The number of species with parents who pre-digest food and then vomit into their children's mouths is squick inducing. 

(And I ain't even gonna get into koalas.  You wanna know about koalas, you just go watch True Facts.)

but don't say I didn't warn you

It's not a strictly avian phenomenon, but I think we're all familiar with the action among birds.  Which is why, when my friends and I were discussing the labor of managing and satisfying emotional entitlement, I asked couldn't we please call it baby birding, for short.

Confused?

Lemme 'splain.

We all know that there are people who are shit at dealing with their own emotions, right?  Frequently this category of human is just referred to as "men," but that's not 100% fair.  There are men who handle their emotions, and there are women who don't.  There's a cultural bias leaning towards women being the emotional work horses, and I'm plenty mad about that, but I don't want to reinforce the bias here.  The point is that, despite trends, people who can't handle their own emotions come in all flavors.  So, since I want a short hand that doesn't double down on cultural bullshit, I need to come up with one that is free of gender implications.

Now, I came up with a lot of clever options for this.  But, in the end, I decided simple was best.  Therefore, for the remainder of this post, people who don't handle their own emotional baggage will be known as "assholes".

Short and to the point, isn't it?

Anyway, we've all met assholes.  Some of us (I'm not pointing any fingers but I probably don't need to) are assholes ourselves.  If you're not conditioned to spot when someone is being an asshole, let me offer you some prime asshole examples:

If you are engaging with a person who treats all negative emotions as though they were anger, and directs that anger at you until you help them process the root emotion, that person is an asshole. 

If you are engaging with a person who acts as though your behavior and their emotional response to that behavior are both your responsibility, that person is an asshole.

If you are engaging with a person who, when you bring a problem to their attention, requires that you deal with their emotional state over being told something is a problem before they can even begin to address the actual problem, that person is an asshole.

If you are engaging with a person who expects you to have all the neutrality and insight of a therapist, without having any emotional response or problems of your own, that person is an asshole.

There are more, but you get the gist.  The defining characteristic of assholes is that they don't want to do the big, hard work of gnawing through their emotional gristle themselves.  They want to dump it on you, have you chew it up into small, easily digestible bits, and then spit it back into their mouths a little bit at a time, so they can absorb it slowly.

They want you to baby bird their feelings for them.

And here's the thing.  In some cases, baby birding emotions is the right call.  When one is raising children, for instance.  They are totally assholes, but they are assholes for a very good reason, and by baby birding them now you are teaching them to eat their own meat in due time. 

Between adults it is more complicated, but even then there are times you might choose, for good and proper reasons, to baby bird it.  Say your friend is having an emotional breakdown, and you've chosen to be one of their support people; that's a good time to baby bird everything. 

thank you, Robot Hugs

But it's important to note that we're talking about an extraordinary circumstance, combined with a purposeful choice on your part.  If it's a daily part of life, or you find yourself forced into doing it without making that choice...

Nuh-uh. 

Fuck that asshole.