#111: Not a Goddamn Gazelle

So, last night this dude started messaging me. He told me I was "the most beautiful woman" he'd "ever seen", he didn't understand how I could possible be single, and that he'd sell his soul to the devil for the chance to be my boyfriend.

I started by being nice, okay!?! I told him I was positive he'd meant this as a compliment, but a man who would sell his soul just for beauty would ultimately be selling it for nothing. It was like, a super poetic and kind way of saying that he ought to give a shit about my personality. I WAS BEING GENTLE, GODDAMNIT.

But, let's be real. When they already don't see you as a person, gentle doesn't really work, does it?

Shit got weird.

well, i would imagine the devil would make you exactly how I want you to be lol ha jk but hope your having a good night

So, lemme get this straight... Bro from the Dark Side of the Internet is suggesting that, in a perfect world, he would buy my shell and have the Great Deceiver fill it with a personality he finds perfect? Clearly, I have things to say about this--but Dudelet wasn't done yet.

but i dont get how someone as stunning and yummy looking as you is single lol

Now, I've been trying to be softer with men recently. I'm aware that I've been a little hard edged and brittle, and I'm trying to tone that down. To set my phasers to stun, if you will.

But, at this point, my finger is twitching for the "max kill" button.

perhaps you've missed the crucial aspect that I must not only be desired by a man, I must find him desirable as well.

I was trying. Can you see how hard I was trying? I BELIEVE IN GENTLE EDUCATION, Y'ALL. I BELIEVE IN TEACHABLE MOMENTS.

My faith in teachable moments was being sorely tested, however.

Yeah, I know I'm ugly

Blessed Mother, give me the strength and compassion to respond to this without too much aggression.

Oh lord. One of these.

I have no idea if you're ugly or not. I wasn't talking about you. I was pointing out that there might be a perfectly valid reason for a woman to be single, regardless of whether or not men find her desirable.

At any rate, you appear to have missed some of the modern evolutions of culture, with regards to women and their place in society as independent participants as opposed to as male attachments. Perhaps that's something you might like to study up on, if you're going to try to hit on feminists.

I felt like that was a clear dismissal. Don't you feel like it was a clear dismissal? Also a very strong pointer in the direction of WHY I was dismissing him. Yes? Yes?

Apparently not.

Well I could get pheromone perfume isn’t that suppose to make you more desirable to women when well can’t blame me for thinking I’m ugly when you get rejected a lot something women will never have to go through in time that’s how you start to feel but usually it’s looks and or money that make a man desirable to most women would being able to get free frozen yogurt make me more desirable to you since I own a frozen yogurt store lol

I don't... I can't... I...

I'M NOT A GODDAMN GAZELLE, ALRIGHT? YOU DON'T NEED TO MASK YOUR SCENT IN ORDER TO HUNT ME DOWN! I LITERALLY JUST TOLD YOU THAT THE PROBLEM MIGHT BE HOW YOU DIDN'T SEE WOMEN AS INDEPENDENT PEOPLE, AND YOUR RESPONSE TO THAT IS TO SUGGEST MAYBE YOU COULD BIOLOGICALLY LURE ME IN?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?

And I can't blame you for feeling ugly? It's our fault cause all we do is reject you? Women are never rejected? YOU'D LIKE TO KNOW IF MAYBE YOU COULD BUY ME WITH FROZEN YOGURT?






AAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!


*heavy breathing*


Okay. Okay. I'm done now.

But I'm turning my phasers back to "inflict significant damage."

So there.