Day 108: Love Advice, From a Mother to Her Children

The Parenting Brain Weasels have come to visit, so I've got some stuff I need to get out of my head.  I'm putting it here, on the internet, where hopefully my children can have it when the time comes for them to need it.

To My Beloved Children;

Love is never going to mean just one thing to everyone.  It comes in different forms for each of us, and what makes us love someone else, or what makes them love us, is highly personal.  Perhaps someday science will understand it all, but I think that day is probably a long way off.  So, since you're likely to have to muddle through love the same way I have, I wanted to give you some advice.  It isn't likely to make too much sense until you get older, but trust me.  Someday, it will be gold.

So, here we go:

*Love isn't an end point to reach.  It's not a beginning, either.  It's not anything having to do with a location or a journey.  Your not "done" once you get to love, but you're also not headed anywhere particular.  Love is a state you exist in, and while a lot of people in that state have made some similar choices, there's no mandatory guidelines that say you have to make those same choices.  Those choices might not work for you.

This is fine.  It's also fine to NOT do this.

*Love is both an emotion and a verb.  The emotion is not totally under our control, but the verb is a choice.  It doesn't always feel that way, because there are times that it's particularly hard, or so easy that it almost feels like it's automatic, but it IS a choice.  And that's an important thing to remember, particularly when you're up against a life decision that involves love in some way.

*Sometimes the people you love will be good for you, and that will be wonderful.  Sometimes, as odd as it seems, you will love someone who is bad for you, and it's important to be able to see that.  Sometimes, as time goes on, someone who was once good for you will become bad for you, and it's absolutely critical to be able to see that change.

*If someone is bad for you, they are bad for you.  It doesn't matter if they have a good reason for it.  Having a good reason for it is maybe a reason for you to not be angry at them, but it's not a good reason to keep trying to love them, when trying to love them is harmful to you.

Nothing is worth being destroyed.

*There is a difference between something being harmful, and being hard.  You need to learn that difference, because there are times it will be hard to love someone, and loving them anyway may be the right choice.

*Just because you love someone else, it doesn't mean they can or will love you back.  This will probably happen to you at some point.  I'm really sorry about that.  If it helps, at all, remember that love isn't finite.  You haven't wasted the love you felt on someone that couldn't give it back.  You have more.

*Just don't waste your time on them.  Because that IS finite.

With love,
Both the emotion and the verb,
Mommy