Today some packages arrived from Amazon. The kids love packages, so they gathered around, waiting with excitement, to which I responded with some amusement.
"Guys, calm down. It's just some light bulbs and condoms."
You know. Basic household goods.
Chaz cocked her head and looked at me quizzically.
"What are condoms?"
"Well, you know how sex works? Penis goes in vagina?"
My daughter, at the tender age of seven, has decided all things sexual are inherently super gross, and she makes a face that can best be described as fighting the urge to giggle and vomit at the same time.
"Okay, well, condoms are thin rubber that gets rolled down over the penis, so no fluid passes between your bodies. It keeps you from getting sick, and it also keeps women from getting pregnant."
"But Elliot can't get pregnant." His sister, ever the keen observationalist, points out.
"No, but he can get someone else pregnant, and that would make the baby just as much his responsibility."
Elliot nods seriously. "Right."
I take a moment to appreciate how sincere he is in that agreement. Thank you, goddess. Then I keep going.
"So, when you guys get older, and decide you want to have sex, what are you always going to use?"
"A condom!" Both my children chorus gleefully.
"That's right." I say. "And not just to keep from having a baby, either. Even if you're with a boy, Elliot, or you're with a girl, Charlotte, and you can't have a baby, you still should use a condom so you don't get any diseases." I pause for a moment. "I mean, Chaz, you should use a dental dam. But it's the same idea."
"What's a dental dam?" she asks.
"Sometimes adults like to put their mouths on each other's jimmies--"
"EWWWWWWWWW!!!"
"Look, I'm just telling you what a dental dam is! It keeps you from getting fluid transferred, like a condom for your mouth."
"I AM NEVER DOING THAT."
"Hey, I'm not saying you have to! I'm just saying, if you do..."
"Use a condom." She is decisive, and I feel confident she's gotten the point.
"Right."
"But," Elliot wanted a clarification, "what if you WANT to have a baby?"
"Look, bud, when you're an adult and you're ready to take care of a baby, that's a decision you can make with your partner. But for now, if you're gonna have sex, use a condom. Got it?"
"Got it."
"Chaz?"
"Got it."
BOOM.
Look, I know probably some of y'all are horrified that I'm talking about this with my nine and seven year old. But all I'm saying is, when they've grown into sixteen and fourteen year olds, they're gonna already have the information they need, because I'm going to have given it to them all along the way.
And I am wicked content with that parenting choice.
Now, what's the over/under on me getting a call from their principal, asking why my kids know what a dental dam is?
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