Day 86: Pins and Needles

I fell asleep on my arm in a weird way the other night, and when I woke up everything from the elbow down was numb.  I've cut off circulation to my arm before, but never quite that severely.  The pins and needles when the feeling started to come back were awful.  I kept hopping around my bedroom like a loon, flapping my arm up and down as though I were suddenly going to sprout feathers and take flight.

You've all been there.  You know what I'm talking about.  It's painful, even as you know it's doing a positive thing for your body.

 Like therapy.  Or Yoga.

I think you can see where I'm going with this.

I'm in a pins and needles stage of life right now.  It's kinda funny, because for someone who always identified as being incredibly emotional, I've become surprisingly un-adept at feeling things.  It doesn't hurt, precisely, but it's shocking to have sensation rushing back into places where there didn't used to be anything.  Sometimes it tingles a bit and then settles, and I decide I like it.  Sometimes it doesn't settle, and I have to carefully evaluate how I feel about it.  Once or twice I've even sat bolt upright, shaking my head and declaring out-loud to the empty room "Oh, no.  Oh, I do not like that at all."

I mean, that doesn't make the feeling go away.  I just have to tell the invisible audience that follows me around how I'm taking it.

...

I realize I just told you all about the invisible audience, and I'm rethinking whether that was a good idea.  On the one hand, it's kinda weird.  On the other hand, if you're not convinced I'm crazy by now, I doubt telling you that I have an invisible audience made up of the imaginary versions of people I know will have much affect on what you think.

 I mean, you all knew I was weird already, right?

...

Anyway, the point is that I'm trying to get used to my emotions again.  They're strong little buggers, and they keep ambushing me when I'm not paying attention.  It's like I'm playing a complex internal game of Assassin, and I never know when an emotion-tipped Nerf dart is gonna hit the pit of my stomach.

A friend asked me how I was doing this morning, though, and I didn't really have to contemplate my response.

"Really good, actually."

I've missed my emotions, and I'm super pleased to have them back.  Even the ones I don't like so much.  It's like getting back to the technicolor of Oz after you've been stuck in the black and white of Kansas.  Sure, you might get attacked by flying monkeys, but it's a small price to pay for the wonder all around you.