We all know that quote about how bravery isn't a lack of fear, but rather the willingness to act in spite of the fear, right? In order to truly be brave you've got to be scared of something. Now, I am scared of plenty of things, but I am terrible at facing my fears. Fear paralyzes me. It's one of the reasons I consistently bomb auditions. I've got the nerves of a chinchilla.
From a very young age, however, I figured out that I could keep going if I just pretended I wasn't afraid. I'm pretty good at pretending, so I've developed a method which looks, from a distance, a little bit like bravery.
But don't be fooled.
Really, I am just pretending that I'm not scared.
That's not the same thing at all.
It's useful at times. I'm great in a crisis, because I shut down anything that gets in the way of dealing with what's going on. When I was eighteen and my best friend flipped his car off the road with me and a bunch of others in it, I held it together until I'd scaled the bank and flagged down help. It wasn't until I found the rest of our friends that I broke down and cried. When a volunteer and I got mugged on the way to Roberto Clemente I was totally calm and cool, and I kept her calm so she didn't get stabbed. Then when I got home I lost it. I would be a great party member in the event of a zombie apocalypse, but if I happened to survive someone would need to shut me in a closet for a week once the danger was passed so I could cry it all out.
Anyway, the point is, I'm not brave. I can just Fortify like max-level Priest in tricked-out gear. It's a special talent, and I'm not denying it's handy. But I've just realized that I might be using it to crush my soul.
I mean, just a little.
But maybe a little soul crushing is still a bad thing?
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteDon't let it crush your soul! it doesn't have to- accept it as a skill. It's a coping mechanism- an effective one for you it seems. Just because you're in tricked out gear doesn't mean you aren't a bad ass! You are!
ReplyDelete