I mean, let's be clear. I think if we all gave a little more thought to the happiness of others, the world would be a better place. The idea that we can't change just a tiny bit--nothing much, nothing that impacts us--but just taking a step to the right to let someone by in the hall, or asking someone how they're doing when they look sad, or leaving off the olives on the pizza because we know they hate olives--the idea that we can't make the slightest change to our own preferences in order to make someone else happy is one that makes flames shoot up the side of my face. It really isn't that hard to show consideration for other people, and I don't see why we can't ALL do this.
On the other hand, it's true that there's a whole cultural expectation of women that we will bend over backwards to please the people around us. That we won't just leave off the olives, but that we'll also add on extra cheese because it's what someone else wants, even when we don't really like extra cheese. That we won't just ask someone how they're doing, but we'll also bake cookies when we don't have time, or offer hugs that make us uncomfortable. That we won't just step out of the way if someone is coming by with a load, but that we'll step out of the way even when we're the ones carrying the load. And that expectation also makes my face spontaneously combust.
Follow me here for a minute, because this isn't going to sound related, but it is...
The other night I was explaining to this same friend why his suggestions to a mutual third friend weren't particularly helpful. She was talking about struggling with an issue of emotional labor, and he kept suggesting that she just not do it. I brought up to him that, for many women that I know, we don't actually want to give up our standards of behavior. I by no means intend to speak for all women, but many of us actually believe that it is right and proper to do emotional labor on behalf of others. We don't want to stop, what we want is to start teaching everyone to adhere to the same standards. To have both parties putting in effort, instead of neither.
Of course, the problem is, if half of society (and the more powerful half at that) decides there's no need to do more work in order to equalize an imbalance, then you have only two choices. One, keep doing what you think is right, and know that it will end up with the imbalance perpetuating. Or two, stop doing what you think is right, because it's the only way to put everyone back on even footing.
Clearly those are extremes. And most of us who are trying to walk the emotional labor tightrope end up choosing option one on some occasions and option two on other occasions. But, for me at least, I find it frustrating that I so rarely see the option of both parties putting in effort even considered.
So, back to the topic at hand, which is making tiny and insignificant changes in order to make other people happy. This is, of course, just another form of emotional labor. And it's one that I think we should ALL be willing to engage in, but, for reasons that aren't quite clear to me, we aren't. I don't know if it's because half of us have been taught that the world should change to meet our expectations, or if it's because the other half is finally fed up with doing all the changing, or if it's just because we're all a bunch of selfish wankers. Maybe it's all those things. Maybe it's none of them and I'm missing the point entirely. At any rate, whatever the cause, I find myself in what seems like a constant argument in my head. Option one, or option two? Option one, or option two?
I don't like either of them.
So, for this one instance, I think I'm going to insist on option three.
Dear friend who wants more pictures of me on here,
You take 'em, I'll post 'em.
Love,
Me
Your move, brah.
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