#111: Not a Goddamn Gazelle

So, last night this dude started messaging me. He told me I was "the most beautiful woman" he'd "ever seen", he didn't understand how I could possible be single, and that he'd sell his soul to the devil for the chance to be my boyfriend.

I started by being nice, okay!?! I told him I was positive he'd meant this as a compliment, but a man who would sell his soul just for beauty would ultimately be selling it for nothing. It was like, a super poetic and kind way of saying that he ought to give a shit about my personality. I WAS BEING GENTLE, GODDAMNIT.

But, let's be real. When they already don't see you as a person, gentle doesn't really work, does it?

Shit got weird.

well, i would imagine the devil would make you exactly how I want you to be lol ha jk but hope your having a good night

So, lemme get this straight... Bro from the Dark Side of the Internet is suggesting that, in a perfect world, he would buy my shell and have the Great Deceiver fill it with a personality he finds perfect? Clearly, I have things to say about this--but Dudelet wasn't done yet.

but i dont get how someone as stunning and yummy looking as you is single lol

Now, I've been trying to be softer with men recently. I'm aware that I've been a little hard edged and brittle, and I'm trying to tone that down. To set my phasers to stun, if you will.

But, at this point, my finger is twitching for the "max kill" button.

perhaps you've missed the crucial aspect that I must not only be desired by a man, I must find him desirable as well.

I was trying. Can you see how hard I was trying? I BELIEVE IN GENTLE EDUCATION, Y'ALL. I BELIEVE IN TEACHABLE MOMENTS.

My faith in teachable moments was being sorely tested, however.

Yeah, I know I'm ugly

Blessed Mother, give me the strength and compassion to respond to this without too much aggression.

Oh lord. One of these.

I have no idea if you're ugly or not. I wasn't talking about you. I was pointing out that there might be a perfectly valid reason for a woman to be single, regardless of whether or not men find her desirable.

At any rate, you appear to have missed some of the modern evolutions of culture, with regards to women and their place in society as independent participants as opposed to as male attachments. Perhaps that's something you might like to study up on, if you're going to try to hit on feminists.

I felt like that was a clear dismissal. Don't you feel like it was a clear dismissal? Also a very strong pointer in the direction of WHY I was dismissing him. Yes? Yes?

Apparently not.

Well I could get pheromone perfume isn’t that suppose to make you more desirable to women when well can’t blame me for thinking I’m ugly when you get rejected a lot something women will never have to go through in time that’s how you start to feel but usually it’s looks and or money that make a man desirable to most women would being able to get free frozen yogurt make me more desirable to you since I own a frozen yogurt store lol

I don't... I can't... I...

I'M NOT A GODDAMN GAZELLE, ALRIGHT? YOU DON'T NEED TO MASK YOUR SCENT IN ORDER TO HUNT ME DOWN! I LITERALLY JUST TOLD YOU THAT THE PROBLEM MIGHT BE HOW YOU DIDN'T SEE WOMEN AS INDEPENDENT PEOPLE, AND YOUR RESPONSE TO THAT IS TO SUGGEST MAYBE YOU COULD BIOLOGICALLY LURE ME IN?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?

And I can't blame you for feeling ugly? It's our fault cause all we do is reject you? Women are never rejected? YOU'D LIKE TO KNOW IF MAYBE YOU COULD BUY ME WITH FROZEN YOGURT?






AAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!


*heavy breathing*


Okay. Okay. I'm done now.

But I'm turning my phasers back to "inflict significant damage."

So there.

#110: Let's All Get Up To Speed, Shall We?

OKAY!

It's been a rough year, and rough years make for rough writing.  I broke my heart, fell into a rage fire about #notallmen, threw napalm on the fire and danced in the destruction over fascists, had health issues, and in general have just been FUCKING DEPRESSED.

Time to reboot.

Stages of Grief, work in progress

I think I more or less have a handle on my heart feels.  Acceptance goes a long way to help heal things, I think.  Once you know who you are, and what you need, then if someone can't give it to you--well--it just is what it is, right?  You can be sad, but what is there to be angry or hurt over?  People are who they are, and life goes on.

The fiery cataclysm of my social outrage is still burning, but I'm trying to use it more as a combustible fuel instead of a destructive explosion.  Let's be real... anything that volatile always has the possibility of getting out of hand, and I'd be an idiot to think I have it "all under control."  But I've remembered I don't HAVE to wallow in the flames, and that's a big step forward, I think.

thank you, Kate

The health stuff I'm doing my best with.  I really loathe the fact that I've tried so hard to treat my body well, and in turn it is trying to get in my WAY!!!!  I mean, I started RUNNING, FOR GOD'S SAKE.  I, who always swore I would only run if someone was chasing me!  Who was content to die first in the zombie apocalypse!  ME!!!!  I'm running, and my body is actually giving me SHIT about it?  It's just igry in all possible ways.

However, I did hurt my back recently, and instead of being out of commission for weeks and weeks I actually felt mostly better after about three days.  And that's an amazing difference.  So I guess this running bullshit really is helping.

I have a method.  Don't mock it.

So, the depression...

My depression is hard for me.  I don't feel like I really *deserve* it.  I don't feel like my life is hard enough, or something.  My mind knows that depression does not work that way.  That it's chemical, and real, and that just because something is harder for other people doesn't mean your own struggles aren't difficult.  Like, I get all that. 

But I have all this guilt that my privileged ass is depressed.

Anyway, I'm trying to handle that by blunt force.  When I start to feel guilty I just tell the guilty feels that they are illogical.  And I am trying to do the things that help with depression.  I eat well.  I get enough sleep.  I exercise.  I take my meds. 

But (and I can't really say that this is the most important thing, medically, but it's certainly the thing that seems to help the most on a day-to-day basis) I'm also creating again.

words are hard, but I do them anyway.

I write every day.
Charlotte and I paint together.
I crochet and make things that I find to be beautiful.
I sing.

And, while it means that some weeks I prioritize art over laundry (oh shit, I really need to do the laundry), in general I'm finding that creating things soothes me more than having a clean house.

Although, like, if any of y'all wanna come over and clean my house, I'm not going to say no.

At any rate, that's what's been up with me.  And hopefully I'll get back to these blog posts.  But, also, sometimes I will choose to put my energy other places for a while, and I have decided to be okay with that. 

#109: Sometime I Poet

I think what you loved about being with me

Was seeing the man who you wanted to be

His reflection was there when you looked in my eyes

A man who you wouldn’t, in secret, despise

Someone much stronger, unafraid of the truth

Someone who didn’t still mourn for his youth

A man who had insight.  A man who was brave.

A man whose soul didn’t need to be saved.

A man you could be with courage enough

But the fight would be hard, and the way would be rough

And that wasn’t a struggle you were ready to face

And what you had loved, became a disgrace

And when you could no longer bear to still see

The man that you just could not choose yet to be

We said our goodbyes.  Because both of us knew

I would always be looking for that man in you.