Day 80: Don't Apologize for Her Feelings

Grrrrrrr...

Can I just take a moment to acknowledge the biggest bullshit phrase in all of emotional communication?  Raise your hand if you've ever said this:

"I'm sorry you feel that way."

Now, if you meant "I am expressing sympathy that you feel something horrible" you can go ahead and put your hand down.  But if what you meant was "you've just told me about a series of actions I engaged in that were directly responsible for you feeling awful, but instead of apologizing for the actions which were callous and hurtful to you I am going to regret that you had FEELINGS ABOUT THEM" then you can just go ahead and take that upraised hand and slap yourself upside the head.

 Yeah.  That's pretty much how I feel about that.

Human relationships are complicated.  We're all responsible for our own feelings, and yes, sometimes a person will feel bad even when no one has done anything wrong.  I'm not suggesting that if someone says "hey, you walked through that door.  I didn't want you to walk through that door.  How dare you do such a hurtful thing!" that you should feel any kind of regret just for making an entrance. 

IF, on the other hand, you have done genuinely hurtful things, and rather than accepting your own actions and taking responsibility for said actions you choose to apologize for the feelings your moronic behaviors engendered then you, oh misbegotten remnant of humanity, are a complete and utter shit.

Try apologizing for something that has to do with you--that you, yourself are responsible for.  Like, say, your actions or your words. 

Don't apologize for her feelings.  (A) they aren't yours to take ownership of and (B) they don't require any apology.  Her feelings are a pretty natural response to the crap you pulled.

Your bullshit, on the other hand, will need several apologies filled out in triplicate.  Submit the originals to the main office, and I'll make sure they get filed appropriately.

Day 79: Life Doesn't Discriminate...

Today is Thanksgiving, and many of my friends have been posting on social media, saying what they're thankful for.  The lists are sweet and touching, and I want to post something similar, but the truth is that I can't find that place of gratitude this year.  

Don't get me wrong.  There are things in my life that I love beyond reason, but as 2016 draws to a close I find that I am not capable of simply appreciating what I love.  Instead I am filled with the desperate need to cling to what is dearest to me.  To arm myself against whatever might come along to snatch it away from me.  I do not feel grateful this year.  Instead I feel ferociously defensive, like a wolf mother crouching over her cubs, snarling at the world that threatens them.

In Hamilton, an American musical, there's a song sung by Aaron Burr called Wait for It.  I've got a lot of complicated feelings about that song, but I cannot deny that I get chills every time I hear it.  The chorus resonates so strongly with me that it makes my heart hurt.

Life doesn't discriminate
Between the sinners and the saints
It takes and it takes and it takes
And we keep living anyway
We rise and we fall
And we break
And we make our mistakes...

 

It's true, isn't it?  

 

I know I'm not the only one who has been feeling the impact of how impartial life is.  We have watched so many of our iconic artists die recently--some far too soon.  We have watched a string of incidents in which innocent people lost their lives at the hands of the police.  We have seen a rise in hate crimes among the population in just the past few weeks.  We have seen a Neo-Nazi group with a fancy new label actually join mainstream American politics.  We are currently watching state governments unleash deadly levels on violence on peaceful protestors in the name of the almighty oil dollar.  And that's in addition to the traumas that are, perhaps, more normalized for some of us, but no less painful.  The family members who have grown sick.  The friends and loved ones who are struggling against too many trials.  The wars, the diseases, and the never ending list of freak accidents that we hear about and pray never to experience.

Life does not discriminate between the sinners and the saints.  It doesn't care if you're good or evil, if you bring joy or sorrow, if you are alone or surrounded by people who love you.  To be alive is to be constantly at risk--constantly on the verge of losing everything you love.  I am too aware of that verge to be grateful.  Gratitude is an emotion of comfort, and I cannot find comfort anywhere within me.

This year, I am not grateful

This year, I am not counting my blessings.

This year I am full of a screaming defiance for the whims of a life that gives and takes in unequal measure and with no regard for merit.  I know that my insignificant human denial will change nothing, but it's all I have left to cling to when the specter of loss seems to loom over everyone and everything.  

It isn't really acceptance.  But at least it's better than despair.

Buckle Up

I wanted to mourn.

I woke up before dawn, and I couldn't sink back into sleep.  Instead as the sky grew lighter I watched my children's faces, thinking of their next four years.

They were at peace, but I was not.

I thought of how my son will start middle school under an administration that wants to cut the Department of Education.  Of how my daughter will be shaped by a country that willingly elected a man who has no respect for her rights to her own body.  I thought of these things and I wanted to mourn--to cry out and give voice to the fear and sorrow so many are feeling.

But I can't.

Because for me to mourn would mean that I have given up hope.  It would mean that I believe we are well and truly beaten.  And I don't believe that.  I don't believe it at all.

We are not done yet.

And I will not mourn.

It's true there are too many Americans who are willing to see Donald Trump in the White House.  It is a fear inspiring fact.  But don't forget, he may have won the electoral college, but he lost the popular vote.  Yes, there are many, many people who voted for him.

But there are still more of us.

You are one of us if you believe a woman has a right to say who can and cannot touch her body, and that no one, no matter how powerful or wealthy, can take away that right.

You are one of us if you believe that people of all ethnicities and all religions deserve fair and equal consideration in the eyes of the law.

You are one of us if you believe in compassionate support for those fleeing dangerous conflicts in their own home countries.

You are one of us if you believe that the children in our own country should have enough food to eat, clothes to wear, a warm place to sleep, and a decent chance at life.

You are one of us if you believe education is the path forward, and that access to education is one of the best gifts we can offer future generations.

You are one of us if you believe that climate change is real, and that we must alter our headlong trajectory into making our own planet unlivable.

You are one of us if you believe that facts and evidence are more important than rhetoric.  If you believe that rational discussion is better than abusive attempts at control.  If you believe that there is room for understanding and compassion even between people who disagree.

There are many of us.

Some of us didn't vote yesterday.  Some of us voted for another candidate.  That's in the past.  We can't change it.  What we can do is reach out to those all around and remind ourselves that we are many and that there is power in that.  The most effective movements towards justice in our country have always come from the populace, not the government.

We speak.  We make our voices heard.  We do not give up.

So I will not give up.

Buckle up, folks, cause it's going to be a bumpy four years.  You know what's coming down the pike.  There are going to be fights over Roe v Wade.  There are going to be fights over national health care.  There are going to be fights over immigration.  There are going to be fights over education.

Don't mourn.  Don't roll over and accept it.  Buckle up.

Climate change is a deadly calamity.  We cannot allow Congress and the President to ignore it.  Nuclear war is not an option, and we must make that clear.  There must be accountability among our law enforcement for the actions they take while wearing a badge, and if the states won't act to enforce that then the country must.

The words engraved on the Statue of Liberty still read "Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free."  If we dream of being that nation--if we dream of being a refuge and a beacon of hope--then we must speak out again and again.

Don't mourn.  Don't cave.  BUCKLE UP.

This is a struggle for the soul of our nation.  Be ready to show up.  Not just on social media, but in the real, live world.  Learn the route to DC from your hometown, and figure out how to get there when we need to turn out in force.  Join the mailing lists for the groups you support, and when they have a rally drag yourself there so that your support can be noticed.  I know you have a life.  We all have lives.  That's why we have to do this--because the lives of all our future generations will be shaped by what we allow our country to become.

Write your Senators.  Write your Representatives.  Write our new President-Elect.  Let them know you haven't given up.  Let them know that we, the majority of the country, are still here.

Let them know that we are prepared.

Buckle up.

***

Below you will find a links to organized groups that are trying to effect change in some of these areas.  These are by no means the only groups available.  If you have a suggestion of a link to add, please let me know.


Injustice Boycott

350

AWID Women's Rights

National Organization of Women (please note the NOW website is currently busted)

Stand for Children

Campaign for Nuclear Disarmament

Refugee Council USA

Healthcare--Now!