Day 101: Queen of the Freaks

I don't normally do this, but: TRIGGER WARNING.  Someone was a real asshole to me, and if that's gonna upset you, don't read this.  Also transphobia and general rage inducement.

I recently told my friends that, if they needed my help on Facebook, they could summon me.  Let's be real; I'm a brawler, by nature.  If I'd been born to parents who were less serious about teaching non-violence, I would probably have gone into MMA or something.  As it is, I am happy to pop into any thread where a troll is making issues, and put the verbal smack down on them.

So, the other night, when I was informed that a friend needed a hand on her thread, I hopped over to see what was going on.  Turned out this jerk had shown up and started throwing insults around, so I swirled my red flag in the air and brought him snorting around in my direction.

I was expecting... I don't know.  Either an actual debate on the topic at hand, or possibly a few derogatory remarks thrown my way.  But what I got was so far beyond the pale that I just sat there and stared at it, stunned.

I can't show you a screen cap, cause I didn't take one, and the comment got deleted by the owner of the thread.  But, to the best of my recollection, it went something like this:

Oh look, the Queen of the Freaks has shown up.  Honestly I'm appalled someone hasn't taken your children away, because you still live with that abomination you married.

I'm not sure I have the prowess as a writer to capture the emotion that surged through me as I read that.  I was so angry I wanted to vomit.  I wanted to rake into him with my fingernails and rip his guts out.  I wanted to beat him to a bloody pulp and then, once I had his attention, tell him that if he ever put his vile words on my family again I would make him really regret it.

I'm a violent person, y'all.  I've never claimed otherwise.

I didn't do any of that, though.  Instead, I thanked him for proving my point--who sinks to character attacks when they have actual valid arguments instead?--and then went and told everyone I know that I needed a new t-shirt.

When I was in college, we did a production of Sideshow.  For those of you that don't know, Sideshow is about two conjoined twins, and their rise as Vaudeville performers.  Their career began in a carnival freak show, and the show opens with a haunting and angry song "Come Look at the Freaks."

Normally productions of Sideshow get a little extravagant.  The costumes for the carnival performers alone are a bit much, with false beards and snakeskin and all kinds of nonsense.  But our director chose to go the other way.  The "freaks" were all just normal people, being themselves.  And the "normal" people in the show all wore these bland half masks that blurred their more distinctive features.  All in all, I thought it was a beautiful and poignant commentary on normality.

So, while I still wanna pummel that asshole, I'm more than happy to take the title he gave me.  I probably don't deserve the crown, but I would do my best to live up to the honor of being the Queen of all the people who are authentic to themselves, regardless of how the rest of the world views them.

And I made myself that damn t-shirt.

Day 100: Carrying Each Other

Each of us carries tension in our bodies.  Too much stress, too much pain; even too much pleasure--these things can cause our framework to go awry.  Our muscles grow too tight or too loose, our joints grow twisted or over extended, our fascia grows bruised or damaged...  The after effects of our mental state becomes felt in our physical one.

I have been carrying too much tension recently.  The world feels like a powder keg, and I am terrified of what will happen to the people I love when it explodes.  That tension has locked my body tight and left me with a physical form that just isn't working properly.  My neck and shoulders are strained and tense, my head aches more days than not, and my stomach is constantly on the verge of turning itself upside down.

I'm not the only one who is feeling it.  Some of my friends are turning this tension inward.  They talk about self-harm as though it would be preferable to continuing to deal with the world at large.  Some of my friends are turning it outward.  They talk about violence as though it is the just and right solution to our nation's ills.

I can't say I've never done that myself.  As one of my friends said to me the other day, I've been in a very "stabby" mood recently.

This isn't an easy thing to deal with.  It's not like we all just need to look on the bright side.  We can't fix it with self care, or a judicious application of ice cream.  We can't fix it by remembering to see the big picture.

This is the big picture.

But last night, at rehearsal, we just happened to have an extra 8 minutes in the schedule, and our choreographer asked our MD if there was anything he wanted to rehearse.  And he said yeah, let's run You Will Be Found.

My emotions are so close to the skin right now, it's not really surprising that the song hit me so hard in that moment.  But maybe, even if I'd been locking everything down, it would have broken through anyway.  Because, y'all...

Even when the dark comes crashing through
When you need a friend to carry you
When you're broken on the ground
You will be found.

I will be honest.  I am having a hard time carrying myself right now.  But somehow, carrying others seems like a lighter burden.  Or, if I can't carry them, just holding their hand, so they know they're not alone in the dark.  Sometimes I think we forget what a powerful impact it can have just know that you are not alone.

I think I'm gonna just wrap this up, now, and leave you with the song.
Love to you all.