#115: The Long Defeat

Original Artwork: http://mattiasfahlbergdesign.com/
Quote from JJR Tolkein's Galadriel

The world is going to end someday.

That's not a metaphor, y'all, it's a scientific fact. I'm not trying to be a downer, or to scare anyone, I'm just saying; 

Someday our star will expand and engulf this tiny planet we call home. 

And maybe humanity will survive it and maybe we won't, and maybe we'll have long since killed ourselves off because we scorched the planet with CO2. Who knows? The point is, the Earth will not last forever.

Conventional wisdom says the universe won't last forever, either. The science is still out on that one, so I can't say for sure, and maybe, even if the science were in, it might be wrong. We just don't know enough about the universe itself to say for certain. But for a long time it was assumed (and some still believe) that the universe will someday run out of energy, and it will stop.

And maybe collapse back in on itself and explode into a new universe?

But maybe not.

In fact, there's an author who wrote an entire YA fantasy series around this premise. Diane Duane writes about young wizards, and in the opening pages of her first book, So You Want to Be a Wizard, she lays it out for them.

As one renowned Senior Wizard has remarked, "Entropy has us outnumbered."

No matter how much preserving we do, the Universe will eventually die. But it will last longer because of our efforts--and since no one knows for sure whether another Universe will be born from the ashes of this one, the effort seems worthwhile.

Pretty heavy for a kid's book, right? I read this for the first time when I was 13 or so, and the impact of what was said was not lost on me. Duane wasn't done, though. She had another quote that hit me like a falling rock.

"There are no prizes for the service of life--except life itself."

And that, my friends, was my introduction to the idea of the long defeat.

I didn't know it at the time. All I knew when I was thirteen was that my parents had spent ten years in service to the poor, the beaten, and the hungry, only to be reviled and cast out by the church that claimed that very service was the highest calling for a Christian. They hadn't just "not gotten" a prize, they had actively been given the opposite of a prize. And I was mad about it. I was so mad about it, I'm still mad, 27 years later. I'll probably be mad until the day I die.

But something clicked in me when I read that book. And years later, when I read this quote by Dr. Paul Farmer, I knew what that something was.

We want to be on the winning team, but at the risk of turning our backs on the losers? 

No, it's not worth it. So you fight the long defeat.

The long defeat is a moral philosophy, and it's pervasive through both theological writings and common cultural narratives. It's the idea that you don't pick your side based on who will win. You pick your side based on what is right, and then you accept--deep in your bones--that your side is going to lose.

You're going to lose because you've sided with the poor, and the oppressed, and that means you have no power.

You're going to lose because you've sided with the sick and the dying, and that means your time is limited.

You're going to lose because you've sided with those that are reaching for a goal so distant it seems unattainable. And it will be.

You're going to lose because we don't live in a fantasy world. "Yippee kai yay, motherfucker," will not actually help you win against insurmountable odds.

But you fight anyway. You know you aren't going to get a prize. You know you're going to lose. And it won't just be you. It will be everyone at your side, who also chose to fight that fight, and in some ways watching them lose will be even harder than losing yourself. 

 But you do it anyway.

Janusz Korczak did it when he refused to leave his orphans, even as they were marched to their deaths. Instead he held the hand of one of the littlest, and tried to make sure the children weren't frightened.

Janusz Korczak and the orphans

Alexander Akimov did it when he stayed at Chernobyl during the meltdown, to help mitigate the damage. He knew the plant was lost, knew that tens of thousands were going to die, but he also knew fewer would die if he slowed the reaction.

The ruins

The four chaplains did it on the SS Dorchester when they calmly helped evacuate as many sailors as they could, including giving up their own life jackets to four lucky men, before going down with the 600 remaining souls on board the ship.

The four chaplains

You fight the long defeat because every moment you fight is a moment that brings some glimmer of hope. Because every pebble that doesn't rain down in the rock slide might mean that someone doesn't die, even if hundreds of others do. You fight because you're not trying to win, you're trying to help prevent the moment when someone else loses.

Everything about this philosophy is contained in the beautiful and heart wrenching principle song of Man of La Mancha.

You fight the long defeat because the world is better for it. Even when you lose. The world is still better.

And you fight because you don't know what will grow from your struggles. 

Henrietta Lacks died from cancer in 1951, at age 31. She lost her fight. 

But while she was fighting, researchers took a biopsy of her cells, and developed the world's first immortalized cell line. 

Henrietta Lacks

Henrietta Lacks lost.

But without her, we would not have eradicated polio.

Quote by Lin Manuel Miranda

For all that we call it the long defeat, we do not know what will grow from our legacy. Because perhaps the universe will not die. Perhaps the moral arc does bend towards justice. Martin Luther King, Jr died before he saw his dream become a reality, but my white son has a best friend who is a black girl, and that means something.

It may not mean victory. But it means that the world is better because we strive, with our last ounce of courage.

Because we fight the long defeat.

#114: I Respect Your Boundaries, You Just Don't Know What You Want; a tale of online dating

Alright y'all, have I got a STORY FOR YOU!

It all began this morning, with an innocent enough notification from OKC. 

Someone liked me! 

Now, I'm pretty much past being excited by this particular notification.  In fact, upon seeing it I generally sigh, and slowly thumb open the app, with the hope that this time--THIS TIME--it will be a man who has a decent grasp of the basic methods of communication and nothing on his profile ranting about how "women just won't ever give a nice guy a chance!"

The hope is small, but it's there, and that's why I keep opening the notifications.

Someday I'll learn.

ANYWAY...

This time there was a dude who had actually messaged me!  Always a good sign.  He had silver hair and a nice face and skimming his profile I saw that he had some general indicators of brains and all that was going well until I saw THIS:

Okay, setting aside the fact that he feels the need to brag about brushing his teeth...   He lied about his age on the form, to bypass people's filters?  And then he had the OVER INFLATED BALLSACK to say that he was genuine?

I did a quick check on the profile (as I had not actually paid attention to the age) to discover:

Our boy here listed himself as 35.

THIRTY-FIVE.

(Oh, and lest you think worse of him than I intend, that wasn't his first picture.  His first picture was actually his face, but as I am trying to be respectful of his anonymity I figured that was wrong to use since it would just be a big red circle so instead I used his SECOND picture which was this.  I mean, I'm gonna be ragging on him a lot, here, and I don't feel like I need to go out of my way to misrepresent the man by implying that he was shirtless in his FIRST profile pic.)

Anyway, back to the story.

I figure you all know me well enough to know that, given the option between asking someone why they're being an asshole, or letting it slide, I'm always gonna ask why they're being an asshole.  So I went ahead and messaged him back, with the following:

Yeah, I know, there's a typo.  Sue me.

All things considered I thought that was a fairly gentle confrontation.  I mean, I didn't call him names or anything.  I just pointed out that he was misrepresenting himself in order to circumvent a woman's right to outline her preferences and that that was some SUPER SHADY shit not to mention SHALLOW AS HELL.

But without the caps.

I legit thought he'd block me and I'd never hear from him again, because normally this is the way of men online, but no...  No my precious loves, this one was one of those guys who wants you to understand that the shady shit he has done is, in fact, not shady at all and he is actually a REALLY, REALLY GREAT GUY.

And so came the response:

Right, so... I guess he's trying to say that I was wrong?  Because ACTUALLY he's just saying that a woman's age criteria is arbitrary.  How silly of me.  Clearly he wasn't saying he knew better than her what she wanted.  He's just saying she's WRONG to want it.

HOW THE FUCK HAVE I BEEN SO MISLED?

And he didn't lie!  He lied and then admitted it.  Totally different thing.

I also love his "deep substance" comment.  Honey child, I know plenty of PhD's AND pianists, and while some of them are deep their depth doesn't STEM from that. 

So, I haven't messaged him back.  I know a lost soul when I see one.  But as this rumbled around in my brain I found I had so much more to say.  Not TO him, you understand, but rather ABOUT him. 

Him, and all his ilk.

First, let's address the violation of boundaries.  And yeah, we're gonna call it that.  Because I don't give a shit what you actually think about someone's criteria for dating.  You don't like their criteria?  You're welcome to not like them.  You're welcome to find them shallow, or elitist, or racist, or agist--WHATEVER--if their criteria puts them in that category.  But that doesn't mean you get to lie to them to get them to give you a chance.

LYING IN ORDER TO GET A CHANCE WITH SOMEONE WHO WOULDN'T HAVE OTHERWISE GIVEN YOU A CHANCE IS STILL FUCKED UP, NO MATTER HOW FUCKED UP THEIR OWN PREJUDICES ARE.

Like, is this really a conversation we still have to have?  Further more, if they really ARE that shallow/elitist/racist/agist... WHY DO YOU WANT A CHANCE WITH THEM, ANYWAY?

I MEAN FOR GOD'S SAKE, I CAN'T HIT THE CAPS LOCK ANY HARDER SO PEOPLE NEED TO STOP BEING SO FUCKING DUMB.

*pant*pant*pant*

Okay.  So, people have boundaries, mkay?  And as long as their boundaries are really boundaries (as defined by choices they make for themselves and about themselves and their own person) and not an attempt to control others (as defined by trying to say your own choices should impact what someone else is allowed to do when it has nothing to do with you) then leave them the fuck alone!  Let them die in their insular little bubble or whatever. 

My favorite part of all this, of course, is that I can only imagine what Mr Deep Substance would say if a woman claimed to be "fit" and then he found out she was actually "overweight".  And she said she hadn't lied, she just didn't want to be judged on something arbitrary...

Just... just...

Okay.  I'm calm. 

I'M CALM, OKAY?

Anyway, now let's talk about the reality of age brackets.

One of the humorous things about this guy is that he almost didn't make it inside MY age filter.  Not because he's too old, but because he lists himself as too young.  I don't search for guys more than five years younger than me.  I probably wouldn't refuse to date one if I met him some other way, but I'll be real, 32 would be *pushing* it for me.  It is hard enough to find a man of maturity and self-possession, I don't need to make it harder by searching among the infants. 

Now, I'm not saying they don't exist, but I do not know any women who refuse to date men their own age.  I know very few women who won't at least consider 5-10 years up.  But I know a lot of women, like me, who do not want to date babies.

So, this guy (who, remember, I'm placing at 48) has probably lied his way out of dating a lot of women his own age.  He's probably lied his way out of dating women five years his junior.  He's probably even lied his way out of dating at least a handful of women a decade younger than him.  All for the chance that some 20 something will look at his profile and decide to take a chance on a guy more than twice her age, AFTER HE HAS LIED TO HER. 

But it's fine.  I bet they'll have so much in common, won't they?  I mean, he's got that amazing hygiene going for him...

Listen, friends, if someone pulls bullshit on you, remember that it's bullshit.  And if you say "hey, this is bullshit" and they say "oh, you know, I never thought of it that way" then it's fine.  They just made a mistake, and we all make mistakes.

But if they try to explain to you that, in fact, that stinking pile of excrement is not bullshit?  Consider writing a blog post about what a shallow asshole they are.   Then share it with me.  And we can march forward together in single solidarity.

#113: Baby Birding

Nature is full of many wonders, and many mysteries--

ooooo... so preeeeetty...

Aaaaaaand also many super gross things.  Like, wicked gross.  The number of species with parents who pre-digest food and then vomit into their children's mouths is squick inducing. 

(And I ain't even gonna get into koalas.  You wanna know about koalas, you just go watch True Facts.)

but don't say I didn't warn you

It's not a strictly avian phenomenon, but I think we're all familiar with the action among birds.  Which is why, when my friends and I were discussing the labor of managing and satisfying emotional entitlement, I asked couldn't we please call it baby birding, for short.

Confused?

Lemme 'splain.

We all know that there are people who are shit at dealing with their own emotions, right?  Frequently this category of human is just referred to as "men," but that's not 100% fair.  There are men who handle their emotions, and there are women who don't.  There's a cultural bias leaning towards women being the emotional work horses, and I'm plenty mad about that, but I don't want to reinforce the bias here.  The point is that, despite trends, people who can't handle their own emotions come in all flavors.  So, since I want a short hand that doesn't double down on cultural bullshit, I need to come up with one that is free of gender implications.

Now, I came up with a lot of clever options for this.  But, in the end, I decided simple was best.  Therefore, for the remainder of this post, people who don't handle their own emotional baggage will be known as "assholes".

Short and to the point, isn't it?

Anyway, we've all met assholes.  Some of us (I'm not pointing any fingers but I probably don't need to) are assholes ourselves.  If you're not conditioned to spot when someone is being an asshole, let me offer you some prime asshole examples:

If you are engaging with a person who treats all negative emotions as though they were anger, and directs that anger at you until you help them process the root emotion, that person is an asshole. 

If you are engaging with a person who acts as though your behavior and their emotional response to that behavior are both your responsibility, that person is an asshole.

If you are engaging with a person who, when you bring a problem to their attention, requires that you deal with their emotional state over being told something is a problem before they can even begin to address the actual problem, that person is an asshole.

If you are engaging with a person who expects you to have all the neutrality and insight of a therapist, without having any emotional response or problems of your own, that person is an asshole.

There are more, but you get the gist.  The defining characteristic of assholes is that they don't want to do the big, hard work of gnawing through their emotional gristle themselves.  They want to dump it on you, have you chew it up into small, easily digestible bits, and then spit it back into their mouths a little bit at a time, so they can absorb it slowly.

They want you to baby bird their feelings for them.

And here's the thing.  In some cases, baby birding emotions is the right call.  When one is raising children, for instance.  They are totally assholes, but they are assholes for a very good reason, and by baby birding them now you are teaching them to eat their own meat in due time. 

Between adults it is more complicated, but even then there are times you might choose, for good and proper reasons, to baby bird it.  Say your friend is having an emotional breakdown, and you've chosen to be one of their support people; that's a good time to baby bird everything. 

thank you, Robot Hugs

But it's important to note that we're talking about an extraordinary circumstance, combined with a purposeful choice on your part.  If it's a daily part of life, or you find yourself forced into doing it without making that choice...

Nuh-uh. 

Fuck that asshole.

#112: When We Come For Revenge.

I was talking with my brother-in-law, about the #metoo movement and other feminist related notions, and he told me something a long time friend of his had said.

"Right now, we just want equality.  God help you when we come for revenge."

She's right, you know.  We've tried being nice.  We've tried asking.  We've tried being sweet and reasonable and kind.

And you motherfuckers didn't listen.

You keep on with your "boys will be boys."

You keep on with your "#notallmen."

You keep on with your "sometimes women make false accusations."

YOU KEEP ON WITH YOUR EXCUSES ABOUT WHY IT'S OKAY TO TREAT US LIKE OBJECTS THAT ARE ONLY HERE TO PROVIDE YOU A COMFORTABLE EXISTENCE.

Guess what?

Not okay.

God help you when we come for revenge.

#111: Not a Goddamn Gazelle

So, last night this dude started messaging me. He told me I was "the most beautiful woman" he'd "ever seen", he didn't understand how I could possible be single, and that he'd sell his soul to the devil for the chance to be my boyfriend.

I started by being nice, okay!?! I told him I was positive he'd meant this as a compliment, but a man who would sell his soul just for beauty would ultimately be selling it for nothing. It was like, a super poetic and kind way of saying that he ought to give a shit about my personality. I WAS BEING GENTLE, GODDAMNIT.

But, let's be real. When they already don't see you as a person, gentle doesn't really work, does it?

Shit got weird.

well, i would imagine the devil would make you exactly how I want you to be lol ha jk but hope your having a good night

So, lemme get this straight... Bro from the Dark Side of the Internet is suggesting that, in a perfect world, he would buy my shell and have the Great Deceiver fill it with a personality he finds perfect? Clearly, I have things to say about this--but Dudelet wasn't done yet.

but i dont get how someone as stunning and yummy looking as you is single lol

Now, I've been trying to be softer with men recently. I'm aware that I've been a little hard edged and brittle, and I'm trying to tone that down. To set my phasers to stun, if you will.

But, at this point, my finger is twitching for the "max kill" button.

perhaps you've missed the crucial aspect that I must not only be desired by a man, I must find him desirable as well.

I was trying. Can you see how hard I was trying? I BELIEVE IN GENTLE EDUCATION, Y'ALL. I BELIEVE IN TEACHABLE MOMENTS.

My faith in teachable moments was being sorely tested, however.

Yeah, I know I'm ugly

Blessed Mother, give me the strength and compassion to respond to this without too much aggression.

Oh lord. One of these.

I have no idea if you're ugly or not. I wasn't talking about you. I was pointing out that there might be a perfectly valid reason for a woman to be single, regardless of whether or not men find her desirable.

At any rate, you appear to have missed some of the modern evolutions of culture, with regards to women and their place in society as independent participants as opposed to as male attachments. Perhaps that's something you might like to study up on, if you're going to try to hit on feminists.

I felt like that was a clear dismissal. Don't you feel like it was a clear dismissal? Also a very strong pointer in the direction of WHY I was dismissing him. Yes? Yes?

Apparently not.

Well I could get pheromone perfume isn’t that suppose to make you more desirable to women when well can’t blame me for thinking I’m ugly when you get rejected a lot something women will never have to go through in time that’s how you start to feel but usually it’s looks and or money that make a man desirable to most women would being able to get free frozen yogurt make me more desirable to you since I own a frozen yogurt store lol

I don't... I can't... I...

I'M NOT A GODDAMN GAZELLE, ALRIGHT? YOU DON'T NEED TO MASK YOUR SCENT IN ORDER TO HUNT ME DOWN! I LITERALLY JUST TOLD YOU THAT THE PROBLEM MIGHT BE HOW YOU DIDN'T SEE WOMEN AS INDEPENDENT PEOPLE, AND YOUR RESPONSE TO THAT IS TO SUGGEST MAYBE YOU COULD BIOLOGICALLY LURE ME IN?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?

And I can't blame you for feeling ugly? It's our fault cause all we do is reject you? Women are never rejected? YOU'D LIKE TO KNOW IF MAYBE YOU COULD BUY ME WITH FROZEN YOGURT?






AAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!


*heavy breathing*


Okay. Okay. I'm done now.

But I'm turning my phasers back to "inflict significant damage."

So there.

#110: Let's All Get Up To Speed, Shall We?

OKAY!

It's been a rough year, and rough years make for rough writing.  I broke my heart, fell into a rage fire about #notallmen, threw napalm on the fire and danced in the destruction over fascists, had health issues, and in general have just been FUCKING DEPRESSED.

Time to reboot.

Stages of Grief, work in progress

I think I more or less have a handle on my heart feels.  Acceptance goes a long way to help heal things, I think.  Once you know who you are, and what you need, then if someone can't give it to you--well--it just is what it is, right?  You can be sad, but what is there to be angry or hurt over?  People are who they are, and life goes on.

The fiery cataclysm of my social outrage is still burning, but I'm trying to use it more as a combustible fuel instead of a destructive explosion.  Let's be real... anything that volatile always has the possibility of getting out of hand, and I'd be an idiot to think I have it "all under control."  But I've remembered I don't HAVE to wallow in the flames, and that's a big step forward, I think.

thank you, Kate

The health stuff I'm doing my best with.  I really loathe the fact that I've tried so hard to treat my body well, and in turn it is trying to get in my WAY!!!!  I mean, I started RUNNING, FOR GOD'S SAKE.  I, who always swore I would only run if someone was chasing me!  Who was content to die first in the zombie apocalypse!  ME!!!!  I'm running, and my body is actually giving me SHIT about it?  It's just igry in all possible ways.

However, I did hurt my back recently, and instead of being out of commission for weeks and weeks I actually felt mostly better after about three days.  And that's an amazing difference.  So I guess this running bullshit really is helping.

I have a method.  Don't mock it.

So, the depression...

My depression is hard for me.  I don't feel like I really *deserve* it.  I don't feel like my life is hard enough, or something.  My mind knows that depression does not work that way.  That it's chemical, and real, and that just because something is harder for other people doesn't mean your own struggles aren't difficult.  Like, I get all that. 

But I have all this guilt that my privileged ass is depressed.

Anyway, I'm trying to handle that by blunt force.  When I start to feel guilty I just tell the guilty feels that they are illogical.  And I am trying to do the things that help with depression.  I eat well.  I get enough sleep.  I exercise.  I take my meds. 

But (and I can't really say that this is the most important thing, medically, but it's certainly the thing that seems to help the most on a day-to-day basis) I'm also creating again.

words are hard, but I do them anyway.

I write every day.
Charlotte and I paint together.
I crochet and make things that I find to be beautiful.
I sing.

And, while it means that some weeks I prioritize art over laundry (oh shit, I really need to do the laundry), in general I'm finding that creating things soothes me more than having a clean house.

Although, like, if any of y'all wanna come over and clean my house, I'm not going to say no.

At any rate, that's what's been up with me.  And hopefully I'll get back to these blog posts.  But, also, sometimes I will choose to put my energy other places for a while, and I have decided to be okay with that. 

#109: Sometime I Poet

I think what you loved about being with me

Was seeing the man who you wanted to be

His reflection was there when you looked in my eyes

A man who you wouldn’t, in secret, despise

Someone much stronger, unafraid of the truth

Someone who didn’t still mourn for his youth

A man who had insight.  A man who was brave.

A man whose soul didn’t need to be saved.

A man you could be with courage enough

But the fight would be hard, and the way would be rough

And that wasn’t a struggle you were ready to face

And what you had loved, became a disgrace

And when you could no longer bear to still see

The man that you just could not choose yet to be

We said our goodbyes.  Because both of us knew

I would always be looking for that man in you.